So the other night I was looking through a journal I started last Spring. I was also looking through some of the notes written in my old iPhone from the spring before. And you know what I saw? A perpetuated cycle. Repetitive and pathetic.
For the last two years I have been trying to do the same thing. I’ve been making the same dumb mistakes, and putting myself back in the same stressful situations, and for what? Because I say I love myself now, and I’m talking to everyone about this new found self discovery, but no significant progress is being made. But I will say this time, everything feels different. This time instead of a mission of self discovery I am on a mission of S.E.L.F discovery. I’m keeping myself safe and out of trouble. I can identify my emotions and act on them appropriately. I am taking the much needed time to process loss; the good and the bad, and dealing with those necessary changes. And most importantly I am actively planning for my future. See, over the last year I have become more aware of what I want and need. I’m finally putting myself first for a change. It’s a culture shock for me because I’m such a giver, but being in a depressive state for so long made it a no brainer to give to myself less. For me it was easier to be there for others, so I wouldn’t have to deal with my own issues. It was easier to eat more so I didn’t have to identify my own emotions. It was easier to keep running through life with my head down so I wouldn’t have to look at myself in the mirror.
But how many of us know it’s only a matter of time before we crash and burn because we aren’t paying attention? How many of us really know how to tackle our problems, and block for ourselves so we end up in the end zone?
Thank God for the Sanctuary Model. It’s taught me a great deal about accountability and self awareness. I don’t know about any of you, but I’m tired of fumbling and throwing interceptions. Because of Sanctuary my head is in the game now. My X’s and O’s are lined up right. And it’s only a matter of time before I make myself an undefeated team.
I want you to love yourself enough to fight for your life today. Even if all the odds are against you. You may not always get that two point conversion, but when you get the chance to kick a field goal, you make sure that kick is good. Allez-vous. I love you all.