My Apologies

“The more I know; the less I understand. And everything I thought I’d figured out, I have to learn again.” –India Arie


      I don’t know where to begin, how to begin, or what to begin with. All I know is that I’m making a change, so I guess I’ll start with this…

A few months ago I wrote a blog post called “Character Counts.” I had posed a question to my FB friends asking them why they initially made accounts. They went on to tell me how they made accounts to network for their business, connect with friends or family who lived far away, or to keep current on social events. I wrote “Character Counts” to shed light on the fact that your subconscious controls your character.

This is true from atomic matter to subject matter. For every effect there is a cause. They cannot blame each other for their existence. What is; just has to be accepted. How we think and feel on the inside is responsible for what shows on the outside. In other words, what lies beneath is the purpose of the surface. That’s how it’s supposed to be, and anything else that defers from that is fake.  It’s not real, and most importantly it’s untrue. Ever see a sad person hide behind a smile? That’s what happens when you can’t process life’s trauma and deal with the truth. At the end of the day you’re still sad; only now you have sore cheek muscles too. Laughing to keep from crying feels good for a little while, but at some point we have to deal with what’s real. No matter what that means.

Just yesterday my subconscious controlled my character. To say the least I shined the flashlight back on my own life. The light reflected back on me, and all of my mother’s side of the family. It casted shadows that many hadn’t desired to see. Out of respect and consideration for all parties involved I turned the light off. I received a lot of backlash. With understanding came resentment because I turned the light on in a public room instead of a private one.

I hurt a lot of eyes so the darkness shown wasn’t viewed in a positive light. It seemed to be out of character for me; but it wasn’t. I was even sorry for turning on the light in the first place, but then I realized I shouldn’t be. I can’t be. If you’re in the same dark room as me, when the flashlight comes on, everyone’s shadow is seen. That’s just the way it works, and I can’t apologize for that. If you don’t want to see your shadow, never step in the sun. I’m sorry I hurt so many eyes, but I can’t be sorry for the way it happened. If I was I’d be sorry for being human, and I’m not.

Okay, so last week I cut my finger. After the blood stopped dripping I looked at my finger, and you know what I saw? The fleshy meat that was underneath. I was looking at the dermis because the epidermis had been ripped off. The top layer of skin on my finger was gone, but nonetheless I was still looking at my finger. When people do things that seem out of character for them; unless they’re being unlawfully willed, it doesn’t mean they are not being themselves. You may have never seen their character from that undesirable aspect, but that person is still being them. You may not be in favor of what you see at that very moment, but the person is never wrong for allowing you to see all of them. It definitely didn’t please me to see the skin ripped off my finger with the blood dripping down, but it was still my finger. When we accept people and things for who and what they are, we have to do just that: accept. We have to accept; not except. That means taking the good with the bad in spite of, and loving without conditions.

Now some may read this very post and miss the whole point. Still thinking and believing that for me to shine a light in a dark public room was out of character and unnecessary. Still viewing the trauma in my life as a trigger that perpetuated a nasty behavior cycle. And I get that. I understand whole heartedly. I’m not justifying what was done. To do that would be to advocate for myself as being right. I’m not saying I’m right, and I’m not saying I’m wrong. I’m just stating what is.

I’m trying to get all of you as my readers to focus on the big picture rather than the individual pixels, because what’s failing to be realized is this: the struggles in my life are no different than anyone else’s. We all have been a victim to the trauma of life. My purpose is not to keep rehashing what I’ve been through for the sake of feeding into negativity. My purpose is to allow you to see my trauma; because as I process mine it can also help you process yours. My life is not meant to always be the center of everything I write about. It’s just at this time, what’s happened is relevant to my purpose. How can you allow me to help you go through something, if I’ve never been through anything? That’s like going to see a doctor who has never been sick, or taking cooking lessons from a person who can’t even boil water.

Doesn’t seeing my dirty clothes make you want to wash yours? Maybe not. And I guess I shouldn’t have dirty clothes either; because my body is a washing machine.

Speaking the truth and living in truth makes me no less of a role model. If anything it makes me more of one. I am being the change I want to see in this world, because the change starts with me. Truth is the change. Truth is the light that will set you free, and free is indeed how I choose to live. I’m sorry my truth makes you uncomfortable. I’m sorry if my truth may come at your expense, but as we all have I’ve paid the price too. Everyone should walk in their own truth; because everyone deserves to be happy, and everyone deserves to be free. Most importantly everyone deserves to be freely happy.

Go be who you are in this world, and don’t let people make you feel self-conscious about it. Allez-vous my ReBelleious souls. I love you all.

2 Replies to “My Apologies”

  1. So very well written!!! I stand behind you 100%!!!! The truth shall set you FREE!!!!!
    I love you and will always be here for you!!

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